Droids Attack – Sci-Fi or Die

How the fuck do you make an album with riffs so damn perfect, a a cover art that incredible, an atmosphere so monolithic yet groovy at the same time, and STILL manage to have a band name that lame? Droids Attack? That sounds like a line from The Phantom Menace, which I’m assuming is not something they want to be associated with considering their album title. Still, this is the best pure stoner album I’ve heard since Welcome to Sky Valley. Absolutely fantastic work, gonna be hard to top this in the same genre.


9/10

Church of Misery – And Then There Were None

If this album were a cereal it would be one of those store brand ones you find at safeway that lists all the vitamins it has and how their oats taste great but you know that when you put milk in it it’s going end up a mush of blandness and regret. At least it’s good for you.


6/10

Shortstacks – 3/3/2016

Only got two for you guys today, I’ll see if I can do more tomorrow. One of them was almost a full review, but I figured it was just a bit too short to warrant a spot. The batch today doesn’t really have any stinkers, just complete mediocrity, and one band that has potential, but hasn’t quite realized it yet. So without further adieu, here’s today’s Shortstacks.


cover

Mouth – Mouth

I feel like there’s a lot of potential for greatness here, but some things just hold them back. Mouth shows they have a fantastic knowledge of riffing in the first two tracks, but that doesn’t show up anywhere else on the album, offering instead of put out very droney, sludgy tracks. During those tracks they also demonstrate they can build an atmosphere, but especially on From Room / Communion of Her it just goes on way too long.

The shorter tracks are definitely the strengths here. They mostly consist of forward moving, muddying tracks that you can bob your head to, coupled with absolutely fantastic drum work. The drums really are the best aspect of this album. When used right, beyond having finesse, they move the pieces forward, to the point where every beat feels like one giant step, creating a driving force. However the guitars are more inconsistent. While yes, there are some pretty good riffs to behold here, the guitars mostly drone on one chord / “riff” (if you can really call it that). That can work in many circumstances, but in an album where half of its length is basically dedicated to those drones (over half actually), and the fact that in many cases they’re coupled with these softer vocals make the whole thing sound more lazy than atmospheric.

I enjoyed this, however I think the band has some growing up to do. This is only their debut, so I’m sure if they continue they’re grow into a fantastic sound. For now Mouth has potential, but is still largely an obviously amateur production.

6.25/10


Cover

Typhus – Typhus

You know an album is gonna be good when one of their track titles spells fixation with two Xs. Basically just generic deathcore with djent shit thrown in so that the band can call it “progressive”. It’s got this pseudo Egyptian thing going on that I don’t really get, but it doesn’t matter because it’s never visible on the album for more than a few seconds at at time. Inoffensive, but not worth anyone’s time.

4/10

 

 

Conan – Revengeance ALBUM REVIEW

I’m not gonna beat around the bush here. There’s not gonna be any poetic introduction, no funny metaphors, and no attempt to be artful in my language. I’m just gonna cut to the chase: Revengeance is boring as fuck. Like, this is the soundtrack to a cheap retirement home boring (christ am I really that incapable of not making a metaphor in a review?). Yeah, I heard this was Conan’s weakest yet, so I wasn’t exactly expecting the world. But holy mother of fuck, how do you make an album with a cover that great so insipidly dull?

Here’s the thing, in stoner doom, like the powerpuff girls, you need three major ingredients: fuzz, heaviness, and riffs, the importance being the reverse of that order. They got spice (fuzz) down pat, but completely left out sugar and everything nice, not to mention Chemical X (which for this genre, is probably weed). Which means this album gives you a good dose of Bubbles, but completely left out Blossom and Buttercup, which were the only ones people cared about anyway (I really am completely incapable of not using metaphors, jesus on a candlestick).

Fun fact, I actually forgot I was listening to this around 1/3 of the way through. I didn’t actually notice until that weird sound that was playing in the background stopped. And I went “oh shit, that’s bad, I have to go back and listen to that”. So I started and about 3 minutes later realized “Oh right, no wonder I forgot I was listening to something, nothing fucking happened”.

The riffs? Bland and forgettable the few that there are. Heaviness? Totally fucked by a godawful production job that sounds like they wanted to be hardcore but their mom didn’t let them so they went halfway. Actually, it’s more like quarterway if we’re being real here. I’ll give credit where it’s due, the vocals are actually really good, easily my favorite thing on here. But you barely ever hear them. So instead you just get an entire album of incessant buzzing that masquerades as doom metal.

Is this review a bit lazy, probably. But I figured a lazy review that’s completely honest and to the point would be better than pulling a Conan and wasting 50 minutes of your time with no point at all.


3.25/10

Hag- Fear of Man ALBUM REVIEW

Extremely solid, if a bit ordinary Stoner Sludge, except really damn heavy. Reminds me a lot of if Electric Wizard wasn’t nearly as good at creating riffs. The vocals are absolutely perfect for the music. I feel like there is a medium between harsh, far out, strained, and soaring that you need in order to be great vocalist of a stoner band, and this guy nails it. Good stuff, I’d certainly give it a listen if you want a somewhat lo-fi, “show in a basement on a college campus” kind of music.


6.5/10

Sunstone – Sunstone ALBUM REVIEW

Can I first say how much I miss oldschool style metal album covers? Where it looked like it was actually painted by hand rather than done in the latest computer art program? They looked so much more homely. This kind of reminds me of that. I mean sure the rock in the front looks like a pile of turds, but I’ll forgive that for giving me something that’s actually painted. To the music itself, the instrumentals are actually not bad. The problem is everything else, particularly the vocals, which are, to be frank, inexcusably bad. I can’t even really describe them in a clever metaphor, they transcend that, they are just pure shit, end of story. The lyrics are equally as laughable, being stereotyped generic stoner shit, which is amplified by the drunk orangutan trying to sing them. I had high hopes for this, but needless to say, they were quickly dashed. Pretty damn bad album.


3/10