Moongates Guardian – The Eagle’s Song

You ever have an album that you acknowledge that on a somewhat objective level is total trash, but you still love the shit out of it anyway? And not just in the “so good it’s bad” or in the “it’s bad but really fun” way. But like in a way where the album is so unique and quirky, so full of both insane stupidity, and immense brilliance, that it turns what should be shit into absolute magic? This is The Eagle’s Song. On the one hand, it’s a Lord of the Rings / Summoning worship (which I guess is the same thing if we’re being honest) that for the most part, is slightly over the top, but a tad generic. Like, higher end generic, but generic nonetheless. But that’s only like 40% of the album. The rest is some kind of fucking experience. The vocals are completely fucking trash. It’s like these guys wanted the worst vocals possible that would still sound trve black metal, but like the really bad trve black metal you find in demo tapes from the 90s that were unknown for a reason. The guitar sound is 90% shit during the entire album, but then have random, tiny moments where it matches perfectly with the music. And that’s what makes this album so special. Despite all the wrong that there is here, there is almost as much moments of sheer amazement. The synths on Sauron legitimately make for a 10/10 dungeon synth song. The black metal aspects are mediocre, but those synths are fucking movie tier, GOOD movie tier. The same can be said for the synths on Legolas’ Song of the Sea. There are moments here of inspired beauty that feel like they just shouldn’t be there, but you’re glad that they are. And then you get shit like Inn of the Prancing Pony, which I still can’t for the life of me tell if it’s meant to sound the way it is. Like you get the idea that maybe they’re trying to be purposefully ridiculous, but at the same time in the back of your mind, you think maybe it’s not intentional. That’s the thing, no matter what this album throws at you, you’re left guessing as to whether or not any of the highs or lows are intentional. That combined with the fact that this is an obviously sincere work of love for Tolken, makes for such a magical journey, that good or bad, I couldn’t help but love every second of.


Mondfinsternis – Where the Heaven Ends ALBUM REVIEW

There are many warning signs to let to know that an album is going to be bad. And you can take in these before you even listen to the album sometimes. To name a few
1. The band has released 2 full albums within a month of each other
2. The album art contains an actual photograph of an animal that just so happens to have been run through photoshop by someone who has had photoshop for probably only a few months
3. The band that made the album self labels themselves as “epic metal” on their bandcamp

Coincidentally, this album happens to have all of these warning signs. So how “epic” really is this “epic metal” album? Well, not very epic at all. Actually, it’s not much metal at all either. If I were to completely guess with no effort put into any actual measurement at all, I would say that there’s about 5-6 minutes of actual metal on this album, and the rest high quality 90s point and click PC game music with what sounds like a drunk russian attempting to “sing” black metal vocals but failing. Fortunately, despite it being extremely awful music, the one saving grace is that high quality midi music generally doesn’t hurt your ears as long as the production volume isn’t cranked up to 11. So actually this isn’t that unpleasant of an album to listen to. It’s just really bad in every other way. But hey, focus on the positives, right?

It’s come to my attention that dungeon synth anything is going to be extremely bad, yet I’ve heard that there is indeed good dungeon synth. It’s like how you’ve heard there are high quality McDonalds in other countries, but it’s pretty hard to believe until you’ve seen it. Also to all bands out there, please stop capitalizing “The” in a song title if it’s not at the beginning. That’s bad and you should feel bad. Almost as bad as this album is. But not quite, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.


Basarabian Hills – Enveloped in the Velvet Cloak of Midnight ALBUM REVIEW

This is not metal. I don’t mean that in the “not trve” way, but I mean that in the “there’s not a single guitar in this album” way. The only metal like thing about this is the computer generated drums, which, if that counts as metal, I guess any hip-hop album is metal too. But that’s not actually why it gets that low of a rating. It gets a 1/10 not because it’s Dungeon Synth, but because it’s really BAD dungeon synth. Every track in this album uses the same instrumentation, with the same synth organ (?) which plays a melody that sounds like it was made by a business major taking Intro to Composition. The absolute worst part is that there are two 9 minute tracks, and an 11 minute track in this album, so even though the album is only 34 minutes, you have to listen to one extremely bad idea for a long time. Of course, that is if you actually listen to the entire track, which I don’t recommend at any level. Advice to future musicians out there: if you want to make metal, get a band together, don’t take to your computer, it’ll only end up in miserable music.