Be’Lakor – Vessels

I’ve come to the conclusion that silence is actually more entertaining than this album. What does Vessels bring? Essentially massively watered down atmospheric melo death, that goes on for 55 minutes without a hint of imagination. Alright, what does silence bring? Well nothing musically, I’ll give it that. But assuming you didn’t have any external visual stimuli, like your computer, or a book, what do you do when you’re in complete silence? That’s right, you think. You think, and sometimes, you imagine (which is already doing more than this entire album). I would even say if the silence goes long enough, you almost exclusively imagine. So what do you imagine? Well I don’t know about you, but my default is naked people. Very attractive naked people. Not people having sex though, if you masturbate there won’t be silence, and being aroused with no way to relieve it is just not fun. So here’s your choice: you could spend almost an hour listening to an incredibly bland snoozefest that you will probably forget you’re even listening to while it’s still playing. Or you could think of naked people. Really hot naked people. As many naked people as you want. I know what my choice is.


4/10

ERRA – Drift

Ok fine, I’ll stop playing league to post something, but only because I’m on tilt and don’t want to get demoted.

Imagine Periphery, except 10x more generic, with superficial technicality (because I guess they wanted credibility or something????), and a vocalist that somehow manages to be even more generic than the music the band produces itself. I actually amazed, normally when I go into a record thinking I’m going to like it, I have a hard time giving it a bad score. But fuck me sideways, these guys pulled it off. I guess the later half of the record is “better”, if I can really call it that, but that’s more to a testament to how mind mindbogglingly boring the first half is. If you have heard a progressive metalcore album, you have heard this album before. The djent aspects seem to be there just because apparently that’s a requirement if you’re going to have -core and progressive in your genre tags. The djenty riffs have no real rhyme or reason to them, sounding more like they’re just trying to give a vague sense of trendiness, than any sort of actual rhythm or structure any good djent band creates. To be honest I just looked at porn the entire second half of the album, because I figured I wouldn’t get through it any other way. But I couldn’t actually find anything good, so I basically just spent the time looking at shitty deviantart tier r34 drawings while listening to music I hated. So congrats ERRA, you made looking at porn a miserable experience. Now please chug somewhere else where nobody can hear you.


4/10

Surgikill – Sanguinary Revelations

I’m pretty sure death metal is the only metal genre whose quality decreases drastically if there ISN’T another subgenre attached to it. This is completely bland and generic, as is par for the course of obscure European death metal bands. I do think it’s funny that the cover girl is this demon spawn from hell, but somehow has a perfect body. As if like Satan wants to create beings of terror to corrupt the world, but at least wants to give something for people to oogle at while they’re being sliced open and dragged to the underworld. He may not have a heart, but you can’t say he’s totally heartless.


4/10

Gloria Morti – Kuebiko

Wow, this is the first album in a long damn time that has made me think to myself “this is just noise” while listening to it. And not because it’s just noisy or too chaotic. That would’ve been welcome. No, because this is 49 minutes buzzy guitars and yelling disguised as music. Normally a metal album can be described as more than that, but not here. This is like eating a bean flavored jelly bean. There’s no flavor, and it’s still going to give you diabetes.


4/10