Cinver – Nebula ALBUM REVIEW

The idea of black metal combined with Space Ambient is interesting. The execution? It’s uh, lacking. A lot. The two space ambient tracks, named literally “a” and “b”, that sit between the two black metal tracks are literally one repeated loop over and over again. The black metal tracks themselves are literally one repeated riff of the entire duration.  I’m not sure what the artist thought they were doing when creating this, but this is not how to make an album. You need more than literally one idea to create a song. The music isn’t really that offensive to any degree, but it’s more of a 16 minute ep of 4 loops, rather than a full record.


Fleshgod Apocalypse – King ALBUM REVIEW

Disgustingly bland, though that isn’t anything new for Fleshgod Apocalypse. Beyond the that fact that every song sounds roughly the same, it’s the way it sounds the same that’s so especially awful. It’s bland in how not bland it’s trying to be, with those high quality symphonic midis disguised as a real orchestra (and if it is a real orchestra, I hope they got paid double what they were worth for having to play this shit), blasting tired chord changes over and over again over bland death growls and shitty, repetitive chugging. Over and over and over and over again. And then adding in cleans for the “emotional” and “climatic” section actually manages to make King blend in with the crowd even more.

Honestly I can barely tell where a track ends and where it begins. The whole things sounds like one giant blob of retirement home style tapioca pudding that you’re force-fed for 57 minutes, even more if you happen to hate yourself and listen to the second, full symphonic CD.

Fleshgod wanted to make their sound more distinct with a niche by pioneering symphonic death metal, but instead managed to sound even more stale than they were when they were “good”. In a phrase, King is above all, miserably inoffensive.


Windhand – Grief’s Infernal Flower ALBUM REVIEW

I should’ve listened to the cover on this one. Some about it told me this was going to be a stinker, I just couldn’t put a finger on what. Looking back on it, the cover is just so soft. It looks like the cover of some 70s hippie band’s wanky progressive rock concept album about how we’re raping the wilderness or something. It’s the kind of cover that reminds me of a retirement home, with those soft purples and baby blues, the color of the pants my grandma used to wear. In a nutshell, this album is soft as hell, both in cover and in music.

It starts with the vocals. The weak, echoey whisper like sound unnerves the hell out of me, especially in combination with the guitars that sound as if they’re not even trying. Grief’s Infernal Flower is like what stoner doom would sound like in 1971, in a bad way. The whole album sounds like it would take place in a modified Volkswagon bus, a place to chill out, do some weak drugs to seem cool, talk about philosophy as if you know something about it, and about how your generation is going to bring world peace and all that other cool shit that comes with it. And just like those promises, this record is totally empty and lacking of any substance whatsoever.

None of the tracks sound distinct at all except for the two acoustic interludes (which just furthers the whole bad hippie vibe) and the two 14 minute “epic” tracks. While those tracks are indeed the best tracks on the album, one of them (“Hesperus”) is like that because it is a complete ripoff of Electric Wizard. Very specifically, the vocals match the same vocal intonation pattern as Wizard in Black. Don’t believe me? Listen to the line from Wizard in Black “I am a God, I am the one, Into the chaos see my time has begun” and then listen to the this track. You’ll notice something very peculiar about. It’s almost as if they’re just about exactly the same… The rest of the track is actually quite boring, even though it actually feels heavier than any other song on the album. Heavier would lead you to believe that it fixes one of the problems this album has, but heavy doesn’t mean shit if there’s nothing behind it. And there is no shit in the toilet here, it’s just piss. Clear, water like piss, with the weakest stream you’ll ever see. The other of the two tracks Windhand actually tried on, Kingfisher, is actually the one track on the album I feel is worth listening to. Even though it still lacks a lot of personality, there is a sense of progression, and uniqueness. It’s extremely psychedelic, in a good way this time. It actually feels like you’re going on some sort of a drug trip, which is what good stoner doom should do to you. I still don’t think it’s worth being a 14 minute track, but none the less, I’ll take anything good I can get at this point.

Probably the biggest reason this album falls flat to me is the complete and utter lack of riffs. There are two total times on the album where I can hear a good solo, and no time at all when there is a prominently featured riff that takes a crowbar to you head, unhinges your skull, and shoves that earworm into you brain. It just feels like underwhelming noise. Windhand manages to create a sound that feels too cool for metal. Consequently, I feel too cool to give this a good score.


Sunstone – Sunstone ALBUM REVIEW

Can I first say how much I miss oldschool style metal album covers? Where it looked like it was actually painted by hand rather than done in the latest computer art program? They looked so much more homely. This kind of reminds me of that. I mean sure the rock in the front looks like a pile of turds, but I’ll forgive that for giving me something that’s actually painted. To the music itself, the instrumentals are actually not bad. The problem is everything else, particularly the vocals, which are, to be frank, inexcusably bad. I can’t even really describe them in a clever metaphor, they transcend that, they are just pure shit, end of story. The lyrics are equally as laughable, being stereotyped generic stoner shit, which is amplified by the drunk orangutan trying to sing them. I had high hopes for this, but needless to say, they were quickly dashed. Pretty damn bad album.


Hagl – Lenket til livet ALBUM REVIEW

Ok, so picture this: black metal, with no blast beats. Doesn’t sound too bad right? Ok, how about instead of that, we have generic, slow moving rock beats? Sounds a bit worse, right? How about to top it all off, black metal with no blast beats (until the very last track), and nothing else that resembles black metal except for vocals that sound like a hobo with laryngitis screaming schizophrenic nothings into the mic? And then have nothing else interesting about the album whatsoever? Sounds like shit right? Well you’d be right, it’s certainly pretty shit. Though honestly, shit might be a bit harsh. There certainly isn’t anything interesting whatsoever about this album, but to say it’s shit is to imply that there are faults other than that. Which there honestly aren’t. So we’ll describe it as almost shit and call it good. Also to note, I’ve written 12780 words about metal albums this year. For reference, I’ve written about 8000 words for school this entire year. Send help.


Throneless – Throneless ALBUM REVIEW

It’s like someone took all of what technically makes something doom metal, and then put 0 imagination behind it. This might be one of the most boring albums I’ve listened to in a long time. It doesn’t help that the production is awful. Apparently this is tagged as stoner metal, which I guess comes more from the fact that you’ll probably say “dude what?” after listening to this. That band logo is pretty dope though, I won’t lie.