Undertale is Cancer but goatmom is kinda hot tbh

I’m pretty drunk, so I figured I might as well go for this. There is this special meme going on that toby fox is a great composer that is god’s gift to video game music. That he has amazing melodies and should like make symphonies or do some sort amazing thing that some random awful Undertale fan thinks he should do because he’s somehow on par with professional composers. Here’s the thing, Toby Fox isn’t just a mediocre composer, he is literally incapable of creating a full song. For an example, I’ll go with megolovania because everyone jacks off over that (even though it’s literally just a rehash of his song from homestuck, like literally just about note for note). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcoqR9Bwx1Y Now it’s all fine and fappy until about 1:20. Now look at 1:20 and notice what happens through the rest of the song. Look at it more. See any development? No? You mean he’s just rehashing the first theme the entire fucking 4 minutes? Gee wow, that doesn’t like good composition. No shit it’s awful composition. He can’t create a full song. There is no end to that track, it ends because he figured he had to end it somewhere, so he’ll just restate the main theme until people grow tired of it. And it works, because in game nobody cares about the composition of the song, and out of game nobody of youtube listens to a track for more than a few seconds, so they don’t know that he actually doesn’t know how to make more than half a song. “but Lizard-kun-chan-husbando, what DOES a good video game composition look like?”. Here I’ll fucking give it to you
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_F6hCvmzVE
Notice how there is a main theme, development of a main theme, and an actual end. Like, wow, a song and not just an amateur composer jerking off around one theme. Yes, this is from a yugioh game and it is just about half the length of megolovania, yet says about quadruple as much as toby fox could ever hope to produce from his tiny, tiny fingers.
No go to just about any other toby fox song and you’ll see the exact same thing. He is actually incompetent at writing music beyond a frame of 30 seconds, but modern video game music is essentially shitty movie music (at least in the popular games), so anytime people here a melody they freak out like it’s the god of video game music.

In conclusion, fuck everyone who like this, they are what makes modern video game music the cancer that it is today. Have some good shit to cleanse the pallet of this grabage
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPl-ns-yIUE


2/10

Mechina – Progenitor ALBUM REVIEW

OFFICIAL SHITTY ALBUM CHECKLIST

Bland Symphonic backtracks?: Check
Shitty electronic bits that have nothing to do with the music?: Check
Vocals that sound like they belong in “Generic Djent album #3849230348”?: Check
Cheese that is simultaneously not self aware, but not totally sincere either?: Check
Nearly indistinguishable tracks?: Check
Mindless chugging?: Check
BONUS – Is it a Mechina album?: Check, double check

About the only thing Progenitor doesn’t check is incompetent musicianship, but these guys don’t exactly show they’re virtuosos either. I’ll admit the main riff of Cryoshock is actually pretty groovy, but everything else about this album is complete, and utter trash.


2/10

Zieler – ESC ALBUM REVIEW

Everyone has that one perfect album that they want to make. The one album that’ll change the game, get high scores, become a classic, and be basically perfect. Everyone has that master piece album that they envision in their head. Finn Zieler is no different, and I very much envision that this is what he had in mind when crafting a perfect creation. It would be an album that would be heralded throughout the ages as possibly the greatest album of all time, an album that musicians for years would aspire to try to even come close to replicating. At least, that’s what I think was going on in his head. In reality, it’s not the greatest album of all time. Nor is it even the greatest album of the year. Or even in the upper echelon. Or top half. Actually it’s not even good. Or average. Or bad. The reality is that ESC is an awful album that ranks among the worst I have reviewed this year, due to a fundamental disconnect between vision and actuality.

For starters, I was able to determine Zierler’s vision because it’s so damn obvious how hard this album is trying to be amazing. It throws the kitchen sink at you, and then adds a couple dozens more sinks just because. And it’s not just that this album has a lot, it’s how over the top it is. The piano in particular goes above and beyond reason, sounding more like one of those ridiculous, program made touhou piano remixes rather than a professional album. It makes it hard to take the music seriously. I’d say it even sounds goofy, like it’s from a cartoon. The way these guys blaze through notes like Paula Dean goes through butter makes this especially so, trading any kind of thoughtful song construction into “hey let’s see how many notes we can fit into here!”.

What’s worse is that there isn’t even any backup melody to offset this, it’s done almost entirely through chugging and rhythm guitar. It makes the music severely lacking in the depth department, often making the vocals the focus, despite them also being over the top and ridiculous. I’d even say they’re cringe worthy, and not in the fun power metal “let’s velveta on this track” way, but in the way where the band wants to be taken seriously, but they try so hard to get that result it ends up being laughable. One moment in particular that epitomizes this is on No chorus, where towards the middle end of the song they go into this spoken word rant about normality. It’s the typical shit some 16 year old would say on facebook as some sort of revelation, with the whole “normal doesn’t exist, it’s a construct of our society, I’m different and weird because I watch naruto and play pokemon in high school” etc. It makes me wonder if these guys actually think their music is weird. That would explain a lot about how they can think people would take them seriously. If they think this shit is weird, I’d love to hear what they would think of something like Beherit.

But the absolute worst part of this album is how god damn musically nonsensical it can be at times. The best example of this is on Dark to the Bone, specifically towards the middle end of the track. Normally I can write down what the riff/melody is on a song no problem. I couldn’t do that here, because there wasn’t any sort of main riff of logic behind the notes played. It’s essentially shitting around on the notes C D Eb G and Ab. Go back and listen to that, you’ll see what I mean. It sounds like essentially random notes. And that’s a constant throughout this record. Instead of going with distinct melodies and themes, it’s just fucks around on the keyboard and fret board as fast as they can, hoping something good comes out of it.

It’s a shame, because there are good sections on this record that display that this band has talent. The end of Evil Spirit is extremely beautiful, and god damn if it didn’t give me goose bumps and chills listening to it. And it happens because this is one of the only times on the album that this band slows down and gets musical. The background guitars play melodically. The solo guitar slows down. The pianist doesn’t piss all over the keyboard. Its good fucking music. If only this happened for the rest of the other 95% of the album, maybe this would’ve gotten a good score.


2/10

Damnation Angels – The Valiant Fire ALBUM REVIEW

You know, it’s been a while since I listened to a good power metal album. Not because I inherently think a lot of power metal is bad, just because I don’t listen to power metal a lot, which I’m going to try to rectify in the coming months. I finally listened to the new Blind Guardian album (which wasn’t great, but not bad either), and I have some other power metal albums in my backlog to get to. So I saw this album as something I REALLY wanted to like. It had a high rating, and just few enough ratings that at the moment I could put it on my obscure albums list I’m working on. I actually managed to convince myself that the first track was good. And then when the second track was more of the same, I started noticing some not so great things about this album. The vocals were more alt metal like than anything else, which isn’t necessarily bad, I did like Periphery’s new album, but in this case it didn’t really feel right. So I got about 5 tracks into it. Then I finally had to admit what I didn’t want to admit: this is a bad album. A VERY bad album. Why? Because this is the worst kind of power metal. Power Metal that takes itself very seriously. Worse yet, it’s power metal that takes itself seriously, and then executes it EXTREMELY poorly. Every track is an attempt to be epic, but in the most shallow way possible.

“Hey guys, I want to make really deep and epic music, but I don’t actually know anything about music. What do I do?”

“Just add a symphony orchestra. Everyone knows that if you add an orchestra in a metal track, it’s ‘epic’ and ‘progressive’ and ‘deep’. ”

“Sounds good. Hey, how about I add a saxophone in this track, but it only plays like, a few notes in the entire song, and only at the very end?”

“Sounds ok, but why are you adding it?”

“Idunno, it sounds sophisticated, lol”

Unless you’re the kind of person who thinks the Lord of the Rings soundtrack is classical music, don’t bother with this album.


2/10

Lustre – Blossom ALBUM REVIEW

One of these days I’ll learn that when you see the tags “Atmospheric Black Metal” and “Ambient”, that doesn’t mean it’s going to sound like Burzum, it’s going to be bad, new age synths with just enough metal aspects (there are technically guitars and drums in it to call it metal, and because it’s in a minor key, it has to be black metal, right?). Anyway, yeah this is shit. The entire album is just poorly made up synth melody lines with ambient drones in the background with drums, and if you listen closely enough, you’ll occasionally a hear a guitar and what I think are some rough vocal screams, but I wasn’t quite sure. The tracks are labeled Part 1-4 but nothing about this is a continuation of any of the other tracks, other than the fact that they sound basically identical to each other (every song but the last one is in the same key). I would think that creativity would be a prerequisite for being a musical artist, but time and time again I’m proven wrong, and it’s rather unfortunate.


2/10