Decibel – Depths

The music isn’t that bad, but what the actual fuck is that constant noisy buzzing? It’s fucking ear piercing, made the entire listening experience completely awful. I don’t know what the fuck the guy here was going for, but it failed, and failed hard. I couldn’t even finish this because my ears hurt too much. It’s like the album is trying to be this fluffy, noisy, sleepy doom metal, but the production on the guitars, just what the fuck. It’s like trying to combine noise and doom metal in a completely unintentional manner, and then adds soft clean voxs as added “fuck you”. I think this solo project has some potential, but fuck man at least produce your music well enough to make it listenable.


Kitties of Death – Valley of the Death ALBUM REVIEW

You guys remember Happy Tree Friends? Remember when you discovered them in middle school and thought it was the edgiest and funniest thing in existence? This is basically the musical equivalent of that. It’s music for middle school kids to discover and share with their friends so that they feel like they’re all grown up. It’s a necessary part of the life cycle, but I don’t grade on how good of a teenage learning experience an album is. As far as music goes, this is complete and utter trash. “Avant-Garde” my ass.


Shining – International Blackjazz Society ALBUM REVIEW

This is essentially buttrock with loopy saxophones. The jazz that is in this album consists of erratic wailing on the sax, while surrounded by rolling drums and crashing symbols, creating a chaotic storm that would be perfect as an intro to a jazz influenced metal track… but not to whatever the hell comes afterwards. Despite being called the International Blackjazz Society, there is very little black, or jazz in this album in the slightest. Instead you get a sorry excuse for an Industrial / jazz mashup that ends up sounding more like if new Metallica tried to do Industrial metal. Make no mistake, this album is a cash grab, there’s no doubt about it. If you sought this looking for any semblance of quality, you’ll be pleasantly greeted with one of the least intelligently crafted major albums this year.
“Don’t tell me what to say, I’ll always disobey”
Give me a fucking break.


Angellore – La litanie des cendres ALBUM REVIEW

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Celine Dion made death doom metal? Wonder no more, for this album brings that experience and then adds as much vomit inducing sappiness as possible. I’m pretty sure the moment towards the end of the first track, in which the awfully executed death vocals try to be super emotional at the “climax” of the track is a contender for the worst moment in any album this year. It’s not even so bad that it’s funny, it’s just so disgusting you feel like gagging. That’s the worst part, I can’t actually even laugh at this, because it’s not bad because Angellore doesn’t know what they’re doing, it’s bad because they do know, and they decided to use that knowledge to make a metal infused 90s adult contemporary record. Pure and utter garbage.


Basarabian Hills – Enveloped in the Velvet Cloak of Midnight ALBUM REVIEW

This is not metal. I don’t mean that in the “not trve” way, but I mean that in the “there’s not a single guitar in this album” way. The only metal like thing about this is the computer generated drums, which, if that counts as metal, I guess any hip-hop album is metal too. But that’s not actually why it gets that low of a rating. It gets a 1/10 not because it’s Dungeon Synth, but because it’s really BAD dungeon synth. Every track in this album uses the same instrumentation, with the same synth organ (?) which plays a melody that sounds like it was made by a business major taking Intro to Composition. The absolute worst part is that there are two 9 minute tracks, and an 11 minute track in this album, so even though the album is only 34 minutes, you have to listen to one extremely bad idea for a long time. Of course, that is if you actually listen to the entire track, which I don’t recommend at any level. Advice to future musicians out there: if you want to make metal, get a band together, don’t take to your computer, it’ll only end up in miserable music.


Ankou Awaits – Sobrwydd a Disgyblaeth ALBUM REVIEW

Full-disclosure, I only listened to about 4 minutes of this 50 minute album. And there’s a good reason for that. There are a lot of things I could describe this album with, but really there’s just one word that describes this perfectly: shit. This album, is shit. Normally when people say an album is shit it just means it’s an album they really really don’t like. No, what I mean when I say this album is shit, is that it’s literally the personification of a piece of poop. It’s as if the band members are actually anthropomorphic turds that just came out of the rectum and are learning to play their instruments for the first time. The only reason this isn’t a 0 is because there were some brief moments where it did in fact sound like there was some form of musicianship in here. But even when it’s there, it’s hard to hear because the production is so god awful. The one good thing about that is that you can barely hear the vocalist, which is good because he’s actually the worst thing about this album. To go along with the shit theme, the personified shit vocalist speaks in his mother tongue of turdanese, the language of the turd people. By which I mean it’s just moaning as if he’s taking a shit. Which is actually a more enjoyable activity than listening to this record.