Conan – Revengeance ALBUM REVIEW

I’m not gonna beat around the bush here. There’s not gonna be any poetic introduction, no funny metaphors, and no attempt to be artful in my language. I’m just gonna cut to the chase: Revengeance is boring as fuck. Like, this is the soundtrack to a cheap retirement home boring (christ am I really that incapable of not making a metaphor in a review?). Yeah, I heard this was Conan’s weakest yet, so I wasn’t exactly expecting the world. But holy mother of fuck, how do you make an album with a cover that great so insipidly dull?

Here’s the thing, in stoner doom, like the powerpuff girls, you need three major ingredients: fuzz, heaviness, and riffs, the importance being the reverse of that order. They got spice (fuzz) down pat, but completely left out sugar and everything nice, not to mention Chemical X (which for this genre, is probably weed). Which means this album gives you a good dose of Bubbles, but completely left out Blossom and Buttercup, which were the only ones people cared about anyway (I really am completely incapable of not using metaphors, jesus on a candlestick).

Fun fact, I actually forgot I was listening to this around 1/3 of the way through. I didn’t actually notice until that weird sound that was playing in the background stopped. And I went “oh shit, that’s bad, I have to go back and listen to that”. So I started and about 3 minutes later realized “Oh right, no wonder I forgot I was listening to something, nothing fucking happened”.

The riffs? Bland and forgettable the few that there are. Heaviness? Totally fucked by a godawful production job that sounds like they wanted to be hardcore but their mom didn’t let them so they went halfway. Actually, it’s more like quarterway if we’re being real here. I’ll give credit where it’s due, the vocals are actually really good, easily my favorite thing on here. But you barely ever hear them. So instead you just get an entire album of incessant buzzing that masquerades as doom metal.

Is this review a bit lazy, probably. But I figured a lazy review that’s completely honest and to the point would be better than pulling a Conan and wasting 50 minutes of your time with no point at all.


3.25/10

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